So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
