tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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