I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
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