I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
