shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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