Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
