Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
