I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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