Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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