Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
