They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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