Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
