Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
