I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Randomize
