I looked at my own cervix.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
