i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
This baby is an asshole
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I need to calm my uterus...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
