he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
