Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
