I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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