Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
