Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
