my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Randomize
