i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
