A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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