sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
