He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
