i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
