Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
