(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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