no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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