My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
