Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
