im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
