Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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