you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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