he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
