Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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