it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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