Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
