i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
