Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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