do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
