I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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