When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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