I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
