Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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