I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
