i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
