At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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