It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
