im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
