im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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