dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
