She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Actions speak louder than pants.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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