Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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