theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
