A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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