So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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